Saturday 21st January 2006 02:42:--[edit]19:22:--
my
manager is leaving today, and it won't be the last time I'll see or hear
from him, but it may be the last time I work with him, and I find
it incredibly painful to know that; now that I'm out and in the 'real
world', working and living, I'm not as resistible to change as I used to
be. in fact, if something is happening, I can't stop it, and guess what: it
scares the hell out of me. being out of control scares the hell
out of me, and it half-explains why I am the way I am. not a lot of people know it, but more than anything, I'm
afraid of being comfortable, because, maybe I'm not used to being
settled, or safe. maybe I've never quite decided what makes me
happy. I'm staring at my ceiling and
wondering what I'm supposed to be doing for the rest of my life, but I
don't think I'll ever know, and it's this constant battle that has
really gotten under my skin recently.
all I want to know is what I'm doing
with my life; if I'm getting on with it, or if I'm stopping in the middle
of the road and waiting for something to hit me, because I'm tired of
feeling like I'm trapped.
today a letter came for me, and my mother, the same as ever, took over. I
don't remember what it's called, because I only managed to hold it for a
few minutes, but it's the form I need to sign before the house belongs to
the two of them, and to be honest, I don't want to sign it, because
in writing, that says that I want them to live together. they can
do whatever the fuck they like, but I wish it weren't down to me at the
end of the day.
they don't know that I know, but they're going to force me to pay board
soon.
if I'm paying, I'd rather not be paying to live here. what's the
point in staying?
life is
just perfect,
BUT
THEN IT ALWAYS IS.
UPDATE (17/09/05)
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